Breaking Heart

As I sit here in my thoughts musing over the past 23 years I have been a mother I wonder what could I have done differently. I know I did the best I knew how at the time. I loved my kids with a love that is hard to explain to the motherless and sometimes even hard to explain to other mothers.
Mothering is not for the faint at heart. Mothering is hard. If you think those nights of no sleep and a crying baby are hard wait until they are a young adult. There has never been anything harder in my entire life (and my life has not been a cakewalk) than raising adult children. They have adult problems that make you still want to gather them under your wing and protect them from but that's not an option. Your option  is to let them work it out so they grow and mature while giving them advice, when they are open to it. If they are open to your advice then it's a wonderful time to grow closer and develop that adult to adult relationship.

Then there's the one that is not open to your advice. Not open to living how they were raised. Not open to sensible thinking, it seems. This is the most heartbreaking part of mothering. Now as a mother you have to sit back and let the chips fall where they may. You can't protect. You can't make it go away. It's not going away. It will be with them for the rest of their life. You can grieve. You can pray. You can cry and scream but in the end they have to live with the consequences of their choices. Adult consequences. Consequences that can have effects that last years. Consequences that will change your life and who you are forever.

I am thankful I have an all knowing God who is there to comfort me and carry me through this time.

Another day

I had a reaction to the medicine the doctor gave me and I am now waiting on him to call in something else. The reaction was horrible. I thought I would go crazy.
So I am still without medicine to help.
Today has been a better day so far. I am shaky and panicky but have been out of my room until noon. I even fixed a nice lunch and did some laundry.
I also spent about 30 minutes listening to C my sweet 9yo explain every skylander to me and what their abilities are. It was nice.
I did start crying for a few minutes a bit ago.
This is all hard for me. I am a fix it kind of person and I can't fix this. Nothing I do pulls me out of this deep pit. That adds to the depression. I don't understand why it won't go away. Usually I have maybe a bad week and then I am okay. This month is different. Something has happened and I can't shake it.
I am trying and forcing myself to do things today but it's hard. I can't get the shaking to stop and the panic feeling almost overtakes me at times.
I am still reading my bible every morning and praying. That's a cause for guilt too when most of my prayers focus on me and my issues and not others.
My husband is so supportive and helpful. It's hard for him I know because he is a fix it kind of person and he can't fix this. He has been great to take the kids as much as he can though. I do know how blessed I am and I feel blessed.
I hope that the next medicine is just what I need and helps.

Reality

The reality is I am battling depression. I know I usually post snippets of life here but I think I need to chronicle this journey in case it can help someone else.
I have never been depressed before. Yes a few days here and there of feeling blue but nothing that lasted. I often wondered why people couldn't just pull themselves out of depression. Boy was I wrong. There is nothing I can do to get over this. There is a reason it's called battling depression. There is this huge battle going on inside of me between what I know I need to do and what I am capable of doing. So then the guilt ensues because I haven't done what should have been done. Then the panic attacks because I might have to do something that I should be doing but just feel like I can't.

I am battling a lot of fear. So many people give me scripture and stuff and that's nice of them but honestly it doesn't help. I wish it helped but it doesn't. I know they mean well but sometimes it just irritates me. I know these scriptures, I am reading my bible everyday I can NOT change what's going on in my head right now. I have tried. That brings the most guilt. (now please don't misunderstand I do believe God can heal me but he has chosen not to right now and that's ok really)
I can't even hang my pictures in my new house. I want to and I look at the bare walls and think I should hang the pictures since I can't paint yet. But what if I hang them in the wrong place and I don't like where they are and then there's a hole where I put the nail. This kind of stuff goes on inside me constantly. Then there's the thought that I am dying and what will happen to my kids. Sometimes I think and off and on button for my mind would be great.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and he gave me some meds. I am thankful for my doctor and thankful that he does not push meds and asked if I was opposed to them first. I am not opposed because I have tried everything natural and it's not helping. I am not opposed because I am not this person and I need "me" back. I need to be the wife and mother that my family needs and that I have in my head. I am not opposed because I don't want to fight this internal battle anymore.

To all who have fought this battle before me, I am sorry. Sorry you had to endure this and sorry if I didn't understand and have more sympathy.

Crazy life

Life has  been crazy. We moved in November and that has kept us all busy. We love our new place we now have 4.5 acres and lots of room for the boys to run and play. 

My daughter graduated in May. She started Cosmetology school before graduation. She is a natural at that stuff. 

The business is busy which is good. At our new place we have a huge shop which my husband is loving. 

My health is ok. Headaches are better most days. I have some arthritis issues that are getting worse but other than that things are pretty good. 

Boys are growing. I really need to update their pictures. 

School was harder to get through this past year with the move and all but we persevered. We will begin again the first full week of August that way we can be a bit ahead for days when my  health doesn't allow me to do much with them. 

Summer has been fun so far. I can't believe it's July already. I hope we can get in at least a few more trips to the pool. 

I hope all of you have a blessed summer as well. 

My health

I have had 2 great weeks with my health. I have not had a migraine. I have had energy. I am not feeling depressed or stressed. It has been wonderful. I know I have many prayers going up on my behalf and I am feeling them. Thank you if you have been praying for me.

School is in full swing now and going great. I love what I am using with the boys and they are having fun.

We have started attending a new church. We have been going about a month and the people are wonderful and thecommunity they have  is amazing. We have been so blessed since we have been going there. It is different than what we are used to but I am finding a kind of comfort in the services and the formality of them. We are praying about where God wants us but for now I think we are where we need to be.
My daughter has made some wonderful friends there and that is such a blessing. It is such a great thing to have good Christian girls around at that age.
God is really blessing us and I am so grateful.

End of summer

Well it's still hot and technically summer but for us it's the end. We started back slowly on school today. It went really well but was very relaxed.
Summer has been hard with some health issues for me. Ju had a birthday in July he is 6 now and starting 1st grade.
C had a birthday back in April. He is now 8.
Both will play soccer this fall which will make for a very busy life. We will also be doing Community Bible Study again. It's a wonderful program and if you have one near you you should join.
With life busy and health issues I have not been blogging much but I hope to be here more.

Christmas

Here is our annual Christmas Eve pic in the new jammies.

Christmas was nice this year even though J is living in MI. We did talk to him and text all day yesterday. We all missed him though.
Merry Christmas