Another day

I had a reaction to the medicine the doctor gave me and I am now waiting on him to call in something else. The reaction was horrible. I thought I would go crazy.
So I am still without medicine to help.
Today has been a better day so far. I am shaky and panicky but have been out of my room until noon. I even fixed a nice lunch and did some laundry.
I also spent about 30 minutes listening to C my sweet 9yo explain every skylander to me and what their abilities are. It was nice.
I did start crying for a few minutes a bit ago.
This is all hard for me. I am a fix it kind of person and I can't fix this. Nothing I do pulls me out of this deep pit. That adds to the depression. I don't understand why it won't go away. Usually I have maybe a bad week and then I am okay. This month is different. Something has happened and I can't shake it.
I am trying and forcing myself to do things today but it's hard. I can't get the shaking to stop and the panic feeling almost overtakes me at times.
I am still reading my bible every morning and praying. That's a cause for guilt too when most of my prayers focus on me and my issues and not others.
My husband is so supportive and helpful. It's hard for him I know because he is a fix it kind of person and he can't fix this. He has been great to take the kids as much as he can though. I do know how blessed I am and I feel blessed.
I hope that the next medicine is just what I need and helps.

Reality

The reality is I am battling depression. I know I usually post snippets of life here but I think I need to chronicle this journey in case it can help someone else.
I have never been depressed before. Yes a few days here and there of feeling blue but nothing that lasted. I often wondered why people couldn't just pull themselves out of depression. Boy was I wrong. There is nothing I can do to get over this. There is a reason it's called battling depression. There is this huge battle going on inside of me between what I know I need to do and what I am capable of doing. So then the guilt ensues because I haven't done what should have been done. Then the panic attacks because I might have to do something that I should be doing but just feel like I can't.

I am battling a lot of fear. So many people give me scripture and stuff and that's nice of them but honestly it doesn't help. I wish it helped but it doesn't. I know they mean well but sometimes it just irritates me. I know these scriptures, I am reading my bible everyday I can NOT change what's going on in my head right now. I have tried. That brings the most guilt. (now please don't misunderstand I do believe God can heal me but he has chosen not to right now and that's ok really)
I can't even hang my pictures in my new house. I want to and I look at the bare walls and think I should hang the pictures since I can't paint yet. But what if I hang them in the wrong place and I don't like where they are and then there's a hole where I put the nail. This kind of stuff goes on inside me constantly. Then there's the thought that I am dying and what will happen to my kids. Sometimes I think and off and on button for my mind would be great.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and he gave me some meds. I am thankful for my doctor and thankful that he does not push meds and asked if I was opposed to them first. I am not opposed because I have tried everything natural and it's not helping. I am not opposed because I am not this person and I need "me" back. I need to be the wife and mother that my family needs and that I have in my head. I am not opposed because I don't want to fight this internal battle anymore.

To all who have fought this battle before me, I am sorry. Sorry you had to endure this and sorry if I didn't understand and have more sympathy.

Crazy life

Life has  been crazy. We moved in November and that has kept us all busy. We love our new place we now have 4.5 acres and lots of room for the boys to run and play. 

My daughter graduated in May. She started Cosmetology school before graduation. She is a natural at that stuff. 

The business is busy which is good. At our new place we have a huge shop which my husband is loving. 

My health is ok. Headaches are better most days. I have some arthritis issues that are getting worse but other than that things are pretty good. 

Boys are growing. I really need to update their pictures. 

School was harder to get through this past year with the move and all but we persevered. We will begin again the first full week of August that way we can be a bit ahead for days when my  health doesn't allow me to do much with them. 

Summer has been fun so far. I can't believe it's July already. I hope we can get in at least a few more trips to the pool. 

I hope all of you have a blessed summer as well.