Another day

I had a reaction to the medicine the doctor gave me and I am now waiting on him to call in something else. The reaction was horrible. I thought I would go crazy.
So I am still without medicine to help.
Today has been a better day so far. I am shaky and panicky but have been out of my room until noon. I even fixed a nice lunch and did some laundry.
I also spent about 30 minutes listening to C my sweet 9yo explain every skylander to me and what their abilities are. It was nice.
I did start crying for a few minutes a bit ago.
This is all hard for me. I am a fix it kind of person and I can't fix this. Nothing I do pulls me out of this deep pit. That adds to the depression. I don't understand why it won't go away. Usually I have maybe a bad week and then I am okay. This month is different. Something has happened and I can't shake it.
I am trying and forcing myself to do things today but it's hard. I can't get the shaking to stop and the panic feeling almost overtakes me at times.
I am still reading my bible every morning and praying. That's a cause for guilt too when most of my prayers focus on me and my issues and not others.
My husband is so supportive and helpful. It's hard for him I know because he is a fix it kind of person and he can't fix this. He has been great to take the kids as much as he can though. I do know how blessed I am and I feel blessed.
I hope that the next medicine is just what I need and helps.

Reality

The reality is I am battling depression. I know I usually post snippets of life here but I think I need to chronicle this journey in case it can help someone else.
I have never been depressed before. Yes a few days here and there of feeling blue but nothing that lasted. I often wondered why people couldn't just pull themselves out of depression. Boy was I wrong. There is nothing I can do to get over this. There is a reason it's called battling depression. There is this huge battle going on inside of me between what I know I need to do and what I am capable of doing. So then the guilt ensues because I haven't done what should have been done. Then the panic attacks because I might have to do something that I should be doing but just feel like I can't.

I am battling a lot of fear. So many people give me scripture and stuff and that's nice of them but honestly it doesn't help. I wish it helped but it doesn't. I know they mean well but sometimes it just irritates me. I know these scriptures, I am reading my bible everyday I can NOT change what's going on in my head right now. I have tried. That brings the most guilt. (now please don't misunderstand I do believe God can heal me but he has chosen not to right now and that's ok really)
I can't even hang my pictures in my new house. I want to and I look at the bare walls and think I should hang the pictures since I can't paint yet. But what if I hang them in the wrong place and I don't like where they are and then there's a hole where I put the nail. This kind of stuff goes on inside me constantly. Then there's the thought that I am dying and what will happen to my kids. Sometimes I think and off and on button for my mind would be great.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and he gave me some meds. I am thankful for my doctor and thankful that he does not push meds and asked if I was opposed to them first. I am not opposed because I have tried everything natural and it's not helping. I am not opposed because I am not this person and I need "me" back. I need to be the wife and mother that my family needs and that I have in my head. I am not opposed because I don't want to fight this internal battle anymore.

To all who have fought this battle before me, I am sorry. Sorry you had to endure this and sorry if I didn't understand and have more sympathy.